healingwithnita

It’s my fault, how could I let this happen to me?”

This guilt kept me awake at night after my divorce. My mind, rather than providing peace after that ordeal, would often replay the painful moments from my marriage. At that stage, I would review the scene carefully — and like Dora’s crew I could spot all the red flags which were missed earlier. It made me more angry.

“How could I miss these obvious signs in my marriage? Why was I stuck in that relationship for so long? What made me think that it was all love when it wasn’t?”

These questions followed me everywhere.

While looking for answers in self help books and watching others experience online, I came across the term “ Trauma Bond”.

What is Trauma Bond?

Trauma Bond is a strong emotional connection that is formed between a person and someone who hurts or manipulates them.

It sounds simple on the outside but in reality it’s a psychological loop that makes people attached to the person who hurts them. The brain finds comfort in that hurt and thus makes it hard to leave that person.

“No, I am smarter than that, a trauma bond could not happen to me?”.

It totally can! We think we know ourselves better but we don’t realise that we have already become addicted to a pattern and are stuck with toxic behaviour.

How is the loop for trauma bond formed?

The person shows affection one day and showers you with love. You are happy and everything is fine in your world. Then, the next day, there would be manipulation or emotional harm from them . This triggers stress and anxiety in you.

Then the next day again that person would apologise to you and you think that things are falling in place again. There is hope after all.

This cycle repeats and confuses the brain.

Since the good moments are unpredictable, you crave those happy moments again during your stress (exactly like a child who is exposed to candy all of a sudden) and this forms a strong addiction towards that person.

Due to hurt->Love-> hurt->Love loop, your brain starts believing that the source of hurt = source of happiness . This makes it hard to leave that person and your addiction grows overtime.

Why does our brain do that?

“But why couldn’t my brain tell the difference earlier and now, after divorce, it knows what is right and wrong”.

Another good question that kept me up at night (😂).Yeah I ask a lot of questions.

The prefrontal cortex in our brain is responsible for logic , decision making and judgement. Due to repeated stress cycles and anxiety produced due to hurt, the prefrontal cortex weakens and gets suppressed. This clouds our judgement. We feel confused about that person and stay stuck in that relationship.

When that person shows affection, then the brain releases dopamine and this makes us crave the person like addiction.

This is why it gets harder to break this trauma bond.

It’s hard to break the bond but not impossible

I realised in my relationship that I was always stressed and anxious. Most days in my relationship I would cry myself to sleep. This was the first step — accepting that it was not a peaceful relationship.

Second step, I started journaling about my feelings and what actually hurt me. This helped my brain realise that it’s actually harm not love.

Third step, I gradually started doing things that made me happy, like writing and painting. This created a new source of happiness and helped my brain to reset from the stress.

No contact at all with that person.Block everything.

These steps gave me the clarity and enough strength to break the bond which existed even after divorce.

I just needed to rewire my brain to get rid of this pattern.

If you feel stuck then don’t blame yourself . Check if you are addicted to a pattern. It’s not your fault and you just need to rewire your brain.

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