healingwithnita

As the cold waves gently washed my feet and the warmth of the sun receded from my face, I could feel her leaving me. My eyes were closed, and a serene smile graced my face. The invisible threads that connected us snapped the instant she decided to leave. We both knew it was time, and we were ready. This meant she had to go – forever. She wished for nothing but love for me. I could only feel the sand eluding my feet’s grip, but not her anymore. I did not try to stop her. No, it did not hurt. No, there was no drama. Slowly I opened my eyes and saw only the majestic sea before me who was the sole witness to this departure. The waves caressed my toes as though they were pacifying me.

But why was it easy to let someone go who was so connected and loved me?
To know about our relationship, let’s understand her journey and how she found me, locked away in the darkest corner, just waiting for her to find me.
I remember the moment when she unlocked my door in the middle of her strenuous journey. I had known her for a long time. However, she remembered my existence at that moment. I could sense she was surprised as well as relieved to find me. She had a look on her face like someone who was on the verge of losing a fierce battle, about to crumble. “I am lost. Could you help me find my way back”, she asked. “Finally, you came for me.”, I responded warmly. She extended her hand, and I held it as strong as ever, promising that I would help her in every way possible. We both knew this journey that we had embarked upon was the hardest one faced till date. I accompanied her on this journey. But what is this journey that I am talking about? Patience! You will find out.

I had known her since childhood. We were inseparable, until one day, she slowly started distancing herself from me, like she never knew me. I was pushed in the shadows and started disappearing from her life. She forgot me eventually. And why wouldn’t she? She was shaken to the core since the day her father died. For a 9-year-old, her world was turned upside down at that moment and unknowingly she started losing not just me but herself too.

We were together after a long time. There was an eerie silence between us which seemed heavier than the fog that clouded our path. “Where have you been?”, she broke the silence. “I was always here. You forgot and never looked for me, until now”, I said. She was still not able to come to the fact that she found me behind that door. I could see on her face how she felt. She was scared out of her wits. “What are you scared of?”, I asked. “I am not scared of anything!”, she snapped. “Ah! denial, that old friend”. I teased with a smile. Her fear was clouding her judgment to find which road to take next. This is where she needed me. She wanted to ask something but gulped down her words. “Don’t be scared, ask me?”, I assured. “You are right, I am scared and don’t know how to deal with it?”, she confessed. “The first step is acceptance, which you just took now. Fear is just in our mind, and we can control it. But when did fear enter your mind space? To get rid of fear, it’s necessary to know its origin”, I remarked. Her thoughts travelled back to her childhood. “Your father is dead, you need to excel in your studies, be your best and don’t be a burden to your mother”- these were the first words she recalled. These words were parted by relatives and close acquaintances who came to meet family after her father’s death. It was etched on her mind. She claimed that this unknowingly pressured her to give her best throughout her life where failure was never an option. She feared judgement from others if she failed. For her, failure was synonymous with disappointing her mother. This fear grew along with her. This same fear shackled her in toxic marriage. Her fear of disappointing her mother delayed her decision to get away from her narcissistic ex. “But I realize how I failed myself the most”, she screamed, “fear had me so gripped that it took time for me to realize the truth about my marriage. Shouldn’t have focused on others. The day I took the decision to end such a marriage was me standing up for myself when no one else did. I have conquered fear once and can do it again”.

“Impressive! you found your worth”, I declared, “You should not try to impress others, but yourself. As for failure, it’s okay to fail. It’s part of life, we fail, we learn and move on. If you look back at your achievements, be it scholarship, promotions at work etc. all was due to your constant effort, not others. You have failed but never backed down in life. Even now”. This struck a chord in her. “You are right. I should not care what others think. I am enough!”, she said with a firm tone. It seemed like she claimed her piece back. She gleamed as the fog dispersed. A door appeared in front of us. She confidently opened it. With our heads held high, we both walked through that door and continued our journey. This belief in herself will help her to overcome her fears.

“Even though the fog cleared, the road seems a bit unsteady here”, I reported. She was lost in her thoughts. “Still scared?”, I asked mockingly. “I often find myself among certain people, be it personal or at the professional front who increases my stress. Why is that?”, she asked. “Interesting question, why do they stress you?”. I asked. “You cannot avoid people being at work, home or at social gatherings. Their words or gestures drain my energy and make me uncomfortable or at times irritated”, she said. “In such cases you set boundaries with such people.”, I explained. “Doesn’t setting boundaries convey that I am rude or inflexible”, she questioned. “Understand this, you need to be kind to yourself first. Setting boundaries is another way of self-care. Nothing says I love myself more than saying “No” unapologetically and sticking to it no matter what. When you say no to others you say a big YES to yourself. Healthy boundaries are always appreciated even with close family members, and it also teaches them to treat you better. This also helps in building stronger relationships. Ultimately if you practice it, you will find yourself less stressful and you can break your pattern. Setting boundaries is not rude, it’s an expression of self-worth”, I explained. She smiled and said, “I understand that now and I will practice setting healthy boundaries no matter how hard it might seem.”

“Seems like we are close to the end of the road. One thing though, we can set boundaries with others but how can we set boundaries with our own thoughts. I find myself often contemplating my future. After my divorce, I feel like I am left behind and others are moving forward. These thoughts keep on racing my mind. What can I do to control them?”, she expressed. I could see her anxiety about her future. We both sat and I calmly explained, “Nobody knows what the future holds. There is no fast or slow pace when it comes to life. Life is different for everyone. Therefore, stop comparing yourself with others. No matter where you are in life, there would be someone wishing that they could be you. You are strong, independent and resilient. So, appreciate yourself more. Be happy with the life you have. One more golden tip is “Life is happening right now”. Live in the present moment. Set work-life balance to indulge in things you enjoy. It’s easier said than done but once you do it, your anxiety will be at ease. As I said before, you only need to impress yourself. Try to be a better version of yourself every day. Get it!”. “Many valuable lessons!”. She claimed. A blanket of relaxation covered her face.
We stood up and continued our journey. “I can see the light; I think we reached the end”. Her eyes sparkled as we stood before the final door. “I am glad we crossed each other’s path. I was looking forward to this”, I said. She opened the door and found a mirror which reflected me.

Yes, I am her. When she was losing herself, I had to come out, to show her self-worth and way out of darkness. She was determined to become her better version; hence she found herself at my door.
She learned, we transformed, and now I had to let my old self go.

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