“Maybe she doesn’t have the skills to attract a boy”, these were the words jokingly expressed by my mother to my sister about me. I was in another room when I overheard them discussing my life and marriage. It was an everyday topic at home since my mother wanted me to get married right after my divorce and would not skip any moment where she could bring this topic up. I knew this eagerness from my mother’s side was to prove to society that everything is just fine with me. Me, on the other hand, knew that I had far more important things to work on – myself. So the statement they made did not affect me but what made me ponder is how often people after divorce or any trauma would be forced to get into a relationship/marriage when their relationship with themselves is questionable at that point of time.
Often, when people who have had traumatic experience jump into another relationship without healing, they tend to repeat the same pattern of hurt.
Why I think that?
A bit about my life ordeal:I am divorced and my marriage was a disaster. My ex was a narcissist and let’s leave it to that since he is not worthy of any more attention. It took a lot of courage for me to end this trauma, and get out of that relationship. The marriage was over but what engulfed me after was anger, low self esteem and depression. I felt betrayed not by my ex but hugely by myself that how could I let myself be in that situation for so long.
I found it most difficult to forgive myself above all. Due to this, I was losing sleep , focus and was unable to enjoy anything in life. The sherlock holmes in me couldn’t rest and wanted to dig deeper to figure out why it happened to me, why I couldn’t spot the red flags earlier.
My next steps
The first and most important thing to do is to stay away from the pressure of marriage right after divorce. Everyone wants to know your next step aka when you are getting married again. Believe me nobody cares. They just want to poke their nose in other’s business. Others would be jealous of you since you are single again. So I draped my thick skin and started ignoring them. Second is acceptance -that I had to heal and wanted to rise above the situation.
The detective in me started right from my childhood where as a girl I was taught to be more polite, listen to others, behave well for others and not to offend others. Well these were all recipes of disaster and enemies of self growth. Everything was for others where I was never taught to care for myself. Sadly most women are taught to be a good daughter, good sister, good wife good mother……well good everything from their childhood. Trying to perfect all these roles, I forgot to just play myself. This had a huge effect on my perception of happiness where it was tied to other person’s mood and approval. This behaviour exposed me to the same hurt cycle and toxic people in my life. This was the major root cause (well done the sherlock in me ☺️).
Just like any human being I simply denied this fact at first. It took me some time to analyse my own behaviour and come to the conclusion that yes I was that one of the people who would shrink themselves to fit in this world.
So what to do now? Does this realisation fix everything at once. With great realisation comes great self work.
What does self work mean?
I had to start loving myself more .It simply started by asking myself this question more often-“ what do I want?”. There would be a little voice that would often scream -what people would say. But the more I honored my needs, the weaker that voice became. This also asks for setting boundaries with others. Scary at first but I realised my peace of mind is far more important than pampering other’s ego. I started setting time for myself and engaged in activities that I loved. I gradually started expressing myself through art and poems. Words always healed me. I could see the difference in me and my sleep cycle also started getting better. I was at a stage where I could make peace with my situation.Past wounds no longer triggered me. I no longer looked for approvals from others. I am being unapologetically me. Your relationship with yourself is far more important and sacred than any other relationship.
So to all people who are questioning their next move, be it marriage , job or new relationship, pause and think if you are in a pattern. If yes, then heal first because you matter.
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