The aftermath of setting boundaries!
I was learning to love myself after my divorce.
As a lesson I learnt , I knew I was shrinking myself for others. I had always put others needs first and ignored myself.
Not anymore.
I wanted to change this fact and recalibrate my brain to put myself first. At work or at personal life , I always came second, even for myself. I was learning the art of choosing myself no matter what and for the same battle I chose my first weapon- setting boundaries.
Oh dear, what did I do?
This was my first time setting boundaries with people and it didn’t go as I expected.
I read and heard that when I set boundaries, my stress and anxiety would reduce , my emotional energy would increase and eventually my confidence and self respect would bloom. But what I experienced in reality was far from that.
All self help books sold the honeymoon version of setting boundaries. No one told or prepared me about all the allegations I would face while setting boundaries with others. A few of my not so favourite labels that I was awarded with:
Arrogant and intimidating:
Until now I was called people pleaser behind my back.
why wouldn’t they….
I was always ready to help others easily even at the cost of my work or my peace. I would always respond to people and meetings even late at night.
Time to fire my first weapon at them.
I started declining meetings which were not urgent or required my participation. I invested that time for focusing on my priority work.
In other instances , I stopped giving people answers easily at their every beck and call and started guiding them to finish their task (so stopped spoon feeding here). It wasn’t taken well by others. Thus I received multiple feedback that I was arrogant and intimidating. People were scared to approach me. ( yeah right!).
Unsocial:
When I started setting boundaries, few friendships also changed. I realised few people chose to be with me out of sympathy after divorce, or to get gossip about people or they felt better about themselves showing how well their life was compared to mine. This had to stop so that’s what happened.
I stopped hanging out with such people. Complete full stop. Just said ‘hi’ when we saw each other but nothing more.
This started a rumour that I became unsocial after divorce.
Egoistic:
When I started loving myself , I started to stand up for myself. Whenever people passed rude comments in personal or professional life, I started confronting them . Or stopped responding to them totally. I would at times withdraw my energy from situations which are not worth my time. This did not land well with people. Therefore , I am egoistic too. This also comes with a tag — non team player.
What to do?
Initially, I used to feel bad. I would ask myself, “ Am I doing the right thing”. My natural instinct was to go back to the original self and make everything right.
But No! I didn’t start setting boundaries to go back. I held my ground. I continued to say “No”.
At first , it didn’t give me peace of mind. I was anxious about my actions most of the times. Scared to exert my assertiveness. It was just not me. Constantly I was fighting myself to stay on the course. This was draining my energy. It honestly hurts when people say these things to me.
But over time I realised that people would take time to get used to new me. They are reluctant to accept that I could change. If they don’t agree with my new version then they are free to leave.
That’s okay. Few friendships broke and relationships dissolved.
New people came into my life because of that clearance. They accepted and respect me the way I am.
People started to see from my perspective gradually. Today I am much more confident, energetic and out spoken that I have ever been.
Those labels by others would come and go but today I know who I am. I am confident , brave and fierce. That’s the label I cherish the most.
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