Has it ever happened that you are minding your own business and suddenly an acquaintance comes along and parts words of wisdom (wisdom from their perspective) that just leaves you disheartened and scarred.
It has happened to me more than once. Where the intent of the person sharing advice is not malignant but utterly unhelpful.
After my traumatic marriage ended, I was going through a period of self doubt. I was still very disturbed by the whole experience and just a mere mention of the past would often make me cry. So I decided to keep things to myself and not to disclose about my divorce to everyone until I was at a stage to talk about it openly.
But life doesn’t go as planned. The moment people learned about my divorce, they saw it as an open invitation to practice their amateur counselling skills. These are few unsolicited pieces of advice I received during that period. One of the relatives who came to know about my situation said to me “so what, my husband died and I got over it soon . Why do you need to be so emotional about it?”. This just fuelled my self doubt and made me think I am processing emotions in a wrong way.
Ohh there is another one:
Under one particular circumstance, I had to tell an acquaintance about my divorce. No immediate counselling followed. The person seemed mature and understanding. But soon the bubble shattered. That week I was engrossed in my work as I had to meet a deadline. So for a week I was not able to socialize as usual and I wasn’t even overthinking about my past. This person out of nowhere just called me on my mobile phone and said , “ I know because of your divorce you are not talking to anyone. Also do you find it hard to make friends?”. My head was instantly flooded with memories of the past. I started feeling miserable again. That person just assumed things and decided to counsel.
Few people had an extra sympathetic tone when they asked about my well being and would add unsolicited advice on how I should spend my days like “ walk more”, “ go out more, and “ enjoy your life”. Honestly I had not stopped enjoying my life or going out then where did these opinions come from?
And there are many such incidents. In all the cases I was not looking for any advice and just wanted them to know about my situation. I used to feel bad about myself after these encounters but gradually I came to know when people give advice it’s more about them than you.
Why it happens:
People give unsolicited advice just to make themselves seen and important. These people want to show they are superior to you when it comes to dealing with any situation. This was the case with my relatives.
Others just don’t know how to deal with such news. They think it’s imperative to drop advice like freebies as a response
Another set of people think unsolicited advice is an act of kindness and they are being helpful. Well, it’s not if it’s not asked for.
People take it as an opportunity to show how compassionate and smart they are and quickly jump to fix you. As if you are a broken toy.
Very few would actually listen and understand your situation. They understand we are not looking for solutions. When people who are hurt share their feelings with others initially, it’s often just about being heard .If you need someone to talk to, then best is to reach out to professional counsellors who know how to respond based on your traumas.
You can choose with whom you want to share your personal life with and there is nothing wrong in sharing what you went through. But if that person ends up giving unwanted advice to you , then don’t let their words go to your heart.
If they insist on advice every time or make you uncomfortable, then set boundaries with them like I did and tell them “ I don’t want to discuss my personal life further”.
You take your own time and pace to heal. No two journeys are the same.
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