I was on the bus , on my way to the office, that’s when I noticed how I chose first row seats unconsciously and was comfortable being seen and open for conversations. “So what?What is so great about that?” some might say.
It’s fine , for you to think it’s silly but it was a huge achievement for me. I silently patted myself too . Why you ask?
I love to explain 😊 so here it is :
I was going through a phase where I was deeply depressed. I did not feel connected with anyone, even with myself. I was in my bubble where I would play the hurt in my mind and would torture myself. Often that ended up in tears. In order to conceal this from others , while travelling to the office, I always chose the last seat. This was the least preferred seat by people since it gave them a bumpy ride which resulted in back pains . Uncomfortable rides were the least of my worries. I had those back seats all to myself. Had the privilege to cry and stupidly remember my past . Those seats became my comfort zone. Very few people( just 1 or 2) knew me. I only would say hello to those two people on the bus and would silently slip at the end of the bus for my crying ritual. I was in safe zone since no one would sit next to me and ask questions about personal life.
Healing takes time. In those initial days, though I knew I needed to make peace with my past, somehow, everything reminded me of it and triggered me. You don’t see the results of healing immediately.
Yet I trusted the process and kept on working on myself. Repeated positive affirmations, journaling, listened to happy music, exercise etc, basically would try everything I read in self help books. I started training my mind to appreciate all the good things in my life specially during my bus ride. Still there were days where I ended up crying. At times it felt like the shadow work had no effect on me and whatever those books had mentioned were all make believe.
Slowly without realising , my mind lingered a little less in the past. The sun felt better, the wind was windy (😜)
again and felt the world was okay after all. The mere look of the first row that gave me apprehension now felt inviting. I knew now I was ready to face people and laugh again. I did not hesitate to sit on the first row of the bus. The past started to lose its grip on me. I was open to make small talks with people.
Even though this seems trivial, the transition from last seat to first seat was a huge achievement for me. It proved I was on the right path of healing, though I had a long way to go. This motivated me even more to work on myself.
Celebrate your victories, no matter how small, but for your inner child you would have taken a giant leap.Enjoy every moment.
Those little moments that no one saw,
Healed my heart and filled with hope,
No matter how big or small,
I decided to celebrate them all
PS: I went out with my family to celebrate this moment.
Keep healing, stay happy 😊
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