healingwithnita

its so hard to do so

I love being alone..

Here , I said it.

let all the judgements pour in;

a secret…..I don’t care now.

I have accepted that I am not social and enjoy my me time far too much.

It gives me enough time to unwind and recharge my batteries.

Being alone is way better than being lonely.

I can be with a large group, wear a mask that I enjoy the shallow talks and still feel out of place.

It’s not me anymore. Can’t pretend now.

Also then a question popped in my mind, what prompted me to take this solitude.

One of the major contributors is lack of trust.

“I changed my number , I will message you”. A clear lie from a person who used to be my friend. let’s go to my school days.

I was a nerd and also scored good grades. Naturally that attracted more people who wanted my help. One of them was a girl who adored me. ( well pretended to adore me) . She would always appreciate whatever I did. Called me every night asking me to explain all the chapters that were covered in school. Obviously, I was revered on exam eves. We were actually good friends. This went on till she changed her school. After that…. everything died

No calls . I called her but she never responded.

I met her one day accidentally in a mall and asked her how she was. She pretended like she never knew me and said her contacts are lost and has new phone number and so on.

That moment it struck me!

I was dropped hot like a brick. I think that brick , hit ground, bounced and then hit my heart.

I cried. I was used for my notes and for being studious. I was just a way for her to pass her exams.

Trust broken.

Another one:

I often felt overlooked and as though my place and needs in the marriage were not truly considered. I had trusted him deeply and shared parts of myself that I had never shared with anyone else. I often felt that the marriage revolved around his needs, while my own needs and feelings were overlooked. Around the time he inherited money from his father, I experienced a significant change in our relationship and in his behaviour towards me. What I experienced deeply hurt me, I felt used for his personal benefit and it  broke my trust, leaving me with emotional wounds that took a long time to understand and heal from.

It doesn’t end here……

One experience that deeply affected my trust was when a friend invited me on a trip. I was genuinely happy to be included, and I had a wonderful time. Later, I happened to overhear that my inclusion may have been influenced by the fact that they didn’t have enough people for the trip and that they felt sorry for me after my divorce. I can’t speak to their intentions with certainty, but hearing this was hurtful because I had never asked for anyone’s sympathy. What made it harder was seeing them go on several trips afterward without including me. It left me questioning whether I had genuinely been considered a friend or had simply been included because of the circumstances. For me, that experience felt like a betrayal and deeply affected my trust

People entered my life with their own needs in mind. They could be warm and caring when they needed something from me, and distant once they had what they wanted. People have ignored me completely when their task was done.These experiences have deeply affected the way I trust people.

Everyone I have met always wanted something from me.

This is a way of life as well. I accept it. Not complaining. I also keep my interactions to a minimum.

But these incidents have left me with trait that I can’t trust anyone easily as before.

Day to day talks just seem shallow. I look for meaningful conversations which I restrict based on trust level.

People are used to my people-pleaser phase, which I am not any more.

This has made me more careful with whom I have a deep conversation. Not everyone has a good interest in their heart.

I observe them if they could actually be trusted.

There are only few with whom I actually sit and discuss things , leaving me majority of times with myself.

But this distrust has worked in my favour.

I am more independent.

I don’t look for validations outside and more content with myself.

More observant.

The art of listening and observation has enhanced for my own benefit as it helps me to determine if they can be trusted.

Selective relationship

I look for a more deep meaningful relationship rather than a short quick so-called acquaintances.

Power solitude:

solitude helped me to improve my thinking, creativity and pursue my personal interests.

I have friends and still talk to people around.

Being distrusted doesn’t mean I would stop talking to people. It’s just that I use my energy and time wisely now.

To all the people who has mistreated me….

Thank You

I realise I don’t need fake acquaintances.

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